Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
