My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
