I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
