I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
