You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
