1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
