How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
