I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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