I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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