I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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