One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
