Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
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The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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