if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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