"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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