Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
