I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why is your signature on my underwear?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
