No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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