I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
