I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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