Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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