College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My life is pants optional.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
