Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
