Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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