Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
These tits shall not be calmed
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