Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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