My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
