I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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