im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
