Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
