I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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