things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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