I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
