I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
