When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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