I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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