would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
