he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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