Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
