he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He did a backflip because drugs
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
