don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
