I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
