i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
