i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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