1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
