I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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