why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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