I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
