i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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