bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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