How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
