worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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