Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
