this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
