UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she smelled like a LAN party
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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