Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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