come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
