I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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