Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
