So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
