the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
